Good morning 1003

 Yesterday we went to the hospital. Unfortunately, his cancer has progressed.

The three of us, including the doctor, went over, once again, the things we had already discussed previously.

1. A visiting nurse comes to our home every other week. The doctor apparently receives reports about how things are going during these visits.

2. Depending on how things develop, a home-visiting doctor can be arranged. His oncologist will give the necessary instructions.

3. In the end, when the time comes, Yuki will be admitted to a palliative care unit rather than staying at home.

We went over all of this rather matter-of-factly.

Yuki himself is still doing really well, though. His doctor seems to expect that at some point, his condition may suddenly take a turn for the worse.

The doctor said, “For now, let’s schedule a CT scan at the end of October and a follow-up appointment in early November. But if anything happens before then, please come by ambulance.”

As for Yuki, I honestly don’t know what he is really thinking.

He still has numbness in his leg, but otherwise he is doing very well. I don’t know whether his attitude of “I won’t know until the time comes” means he is simply taking things lightly, trying not to think about it, or has somehow come to terms with it. Perhaps even he doesn’t know.

I know there is no point in worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. Still, I think he has a point when he says, “There’s no use thinking about things you can’t do anything about.”

He is going to the jazz café again today to play his instruments. It takes about 35 minutes by car.

And as for me…

I know there is no point in worrying about what I can’t change, but I keep wondering how I am supposed to get through each day from now on.

To be honest, I’m scared.

This afternoon, I’m meeting a friend who is doing some alterations to my clothes. I haven’t told her about Yuki’s illness, though.

Anyway, it means I won’t be alone for a while, and I think that’s probably a good thing.

Good evening 0930

 Today, we got the results of Yuki’s genomic testing.

We had heard that there was only about a 10% chance that they would find something that could lead to another treatment. And, amazingly, Yuki turned out to be one of that 10%. They found one anticancer drug that could potentially be used.

However, the side effects are expected to be quite strong, and we decided not to take it because we don’t want to lower Yuki’s quality of life any further.

To tell the truth, we had expected that they wouldn’t find anything. And we had already talked about the possibility that, even if they found another drug, we probably wouldn’t choose any more aggressive treatment.

After discussing it with his doctors, we decided together not to have the treatment. I think we should give ourselves credit for making this decision together. But somehow, now that it’s all settled, I feel like all the tension has suddenly left me, and I’m completely drained.

by Yuki

Anyway, on a completely different note, Yuki has reached an amazing milestone with his YouTube music.

He has now posted 1,000 songs!

His appointment at the hospital was in the afternoon today, so before that, we went out for steak to celebrate reaching 1,000 songs.

Good morning 0929

 

This bottle contains non-alcoholic shochu.

Non-alcoholic beer and wine are becoming more popular, but there are very few non-alcoholic versions of sake or shochu. This time, we found this non-alcoholic shochu online. So far, only one sake company makes this kind of product.

Yuki has started having a non-alcohol day every other day.

I think that’s a good thing. I hope his blood test results stay stable for as long as possible.

But here’s the funny thing: this non-alcoholic shochu is actually more expensive than the regular shochu he usually drinks!

by Yuki

Good morning 0928

 It’s been quite a while since I last updated my diary. Somehow, the two of us are getting by.

Yesterday, the “Everything for 100 Yen Giveaway Sale,” which we held in a corner of Café Karaku, came to an end. To my surprise, we sold almost everything!

Yuki’s fishing gear set and other small items were all sold, too. The books that were left over were taken straight to a secondhand bookstore.

I feel like we’ve let go of so many things, and yet somehow, the house looks exactly the same.

How strange!

by Yuki

Good morning 0917

 I read a book by someone who has been through lung cancer. The title is Living Through Cancer: Neither Pessimistic nor Optimistic. I thought it was a very well-chosen title.

At the moment, the author’s lung cancer has disappeared, so I imagine that “neither pessimistic nor optimistic” refers to living with the fear of recurrence or metastasis.

For me, though, I want to stay “neither pessimistic nor optimistic” though it is from a slightly different reason. I want to face things calmly and realistically, without leaning too far in either direction. Although “calm” may not be quite the right word.

In Japanese, we have an expression, kimottama-kāsan, which describes a strong, down-to-earth mother who doesn’t get easily shaken by what happens. I suppose what I want is to be like that—steady, strong, and not easily rattled.

 by Yuki

Good morning 0915

 My older daughter is on her way here by car. She has a work meeting here this afternoon.

I think this is the first time she’s had a work meeting here locally. Well, it’s just a meeting, so I don’t know if it will actually lead to any real work.

After all, prices in Tokyo and prices here are quite different.

And since this is considered “her hometown,” I’m guessing her travel expenses won’t be covered.

Anyway, it looks like we’ll be able to have lunch together. But she’s caught in traffic right now, so even that is a little uncertain.

Apparently, it was pouring in Tokyo until a little while ago.

P.S. She says she’ll stop by and show her face, so… what do you think her soft-hearted parents (that’s us) are going to do?

by YUKI

Good morning 0914

 A new week has started. It’s 8 a.m.

After all these cloudy or rainy days we finally have a sunny day. But it looks like it’s going to rain again tomorrow.

As soon as we got up this morning, we aired out our futon,  and the washing machine is already on its second load. I can finally wash the sheets! This will probably be the last time we use the summer sheets this year, so I’m planning to switch to the autumn ones today.

Apparently, this September has had the fewest hours of sunshine we’ve ever had compared with other years.

Anyway, I’m fine  that I can start this week by getting some work done around the house first thing in the morning.

by Yuki