trouble shooter 0527

 

by  Yuki

How do I get along with my mother who is obstinate and difficult?

consulter (a lady)

I’m in my 50’s and an office worker. I have a trouble about my mother who is demanding and obstinate. She tends to react negatively to what other people say and do. So, she tends to become isolated fromher family and relatives. On the other hand, she often relies on me conveniently and manipulates me as she wants to.

She has no friends who care about her. She has too much pride. When someone doesn’t accept her opinion, she becomes enrage and gets rid of them with really bad words. 

In her daily life, she insults athletes who are doing their best, or couples who take a walk happily.

She is also really calculating person, so she is obsessed with money and things. Though she is my mother; she has a bad character.

I understand that, my home environment is different from hers. Her aging brings her worries and irritation. So, I want to be kind to her, but it is really difficult. How do I calmly get along with her?

 

Advisor Mr. F (writher)

How kind you are. You understand and try to accept her uncomfortable feeling and irritation.

However, even though her bad words are not to you, but to others. When you hear them, you get hurt. When you see her bad character like being calculating her, and being obsessed with money, you get hurt more. The people surrounding her seem to give up communicating with her except you. So, you are the only person whom she relies on in good meaning and bad meaning. You are the only person she can vent her frustration.

However, you don’t need to fall victim to her. You seek for some advice to this column. It means you seem to reach the limit of your patience. You should declare your uncomfortable feelings. How about you distance yourself from your mother?  But you should do it with strong determination to prepare thoroughly. Your mother must attack you with really bad words to deny you. You are not wrong. Even considering the difference of environments between two of you, many people who are in the same generation as your mother’s spend their elder lives calmly.

I hope you won’t be hurt much because you care about your mother too much.

-------------------------------------------

Let me say my opinion and feeling.

I really understand this consulter’s feelings. When I was in my 50’s, I had the same, though my mother was not isolated, I think. But I was really worried that how to calmly get along with my mother.  She was really selfish. I visited my mother in Tokyo twice a month or more. Before the day I visited, I was usually stressed out. And when I talked to her, though she was selfish, she looked very happy. And after visiting I was satisfied my self to do my job as a daughter. So, in her case, probably she should distant herself from her mother, but,  on the other hand she has to face to herself and consider her duties as a daughter.

Now I’m still in my 60’s. But I am really afraid to become such selfish, calculating and being obstinate in the coming years. Because I inherit my mother’s character.