I'm a Japanese housewife living in Japan. I'm in my 60's. I want to know daily lives in the world, so at first I'll tell my daily. What is your daily life?
We went to the orthopedic department at the hospital where Yuki receives his cancer treatment.
The doctor thinks that his symptoms are not caused by peripheral nerve problems. They may be lingering side effects of chemotherapy, or it is also possible that a tumor in his neck is causing the problem.
The doctor took the time to listen to us carefully and explain things, so although nothing has changed, we feel a little relieved. We asked the hospital to bring forward Yuki’s appointment with his oncologist. His CT and MRI scans are scheduled in two weeks so we hope they can be done sooner. We’ll see what happens.
We have added some more massage gadgets to Yuki’s collection.
As for me, I am suffering allergic caused by autumn pollen. I’m taking medicine, but my nose keeps running. Stronger medicine gives me a headache, so I have to manage with what I’m taking now.
Today, there is an outdoor jazz concert featuring some of Yuki’s friends, but I’ve decided to skip it.
I’m also skipping airing our futons outside in the sun. (That’s a Japanese custom, by the way!)
I'm going to the hospital with Yuki now. The fingers on his left hand started twitching. This has never happened before. His numbness seems to be getting worse, to the point where it's almost like paralysis.
I'm feeling a little shaken. I wonder if we have to accept that this is happening.
We stopped chemotherapy because we wanted to prevent things from getting to this point. I can't help wondering if we made that decision too late.
As recently as last month, he was still able to play the bass.
Yesterday, we went to a Buddhist temple to buy a special amulet. Neither of us is particularly religious. We are not Shintoists or Buddhists, but we have decided to follow Buddhist customs for our funeral and burial arrangements.
By the way, Shinto shrines are where people worship in the Shinto tradition, while Buddhist temples are where Buddhists worship.
In Shingon Buddhism, there is something called a “final amulet.” It is believed to help a person pass away peacefully and smoothly at the very moment they leave this world and return to the other side. In other words, it is meant to bring peace of mind at the moment of death.
So, that is why we went to buy one. I’m not sure whether this is considered good luck or bad luck, but anyway, we just want to enjoy peaceful and happy days together for as long as we can.
It is only now, at this stage of our lives, that we find ourselves turning to Buddhist traditions. I guess, after all, we are Japanese.
Yesterday was the day of the home visit from the nurse. I had been wondering what she would do during the visit.
She checked Yuki’s blood pressure and oxygen saturation, then listened to his chest with a stethoscope. She told us she could hear some rattling sounds in his lungs. Apparently, there is nothing that can be done about it.
Yuki looks fine on the outside, but I was reminded that his body is changing after all. It’s hard to face the reality.
Still, I’m grateful that the nurse visits us twice a month. It’s also reassuring to know that we can contact a nurse 24 hours a day if we need help.
By the way, the cost of home nursing care is partly covered by Japan’s public long-term care insurance system, which is a great help to us.
Today, our first visiting nurse is coming to see Yuki. He is doing well, but he now needs to have his condition checked by a nurse twice a month. This is to help ensure a smooth transition to palliative care when the time comes.
Unfortunately, the side effects of chemotherapy still haven't gone away, and recently, the numbness in his fingers has gotten worse. It has become more difficult to press down on the strings of his bass with his left hand. He is feeling quite down about it — well, actually, very disappointed.
Even so, he says he will stop by the jazz café just to have a cup of coffee.
The doctors have told us that the numbness isn't directly related to the cancer, so I think it may be part of the process of recovering from the side effects of chemotherapy. But sadly, we can't afford to wait too long for the numbness to go away.
For now, he can still use the exercise bike, so he is trying to maintain his physical strength. Yuki is planning to go to the small gym this evening.
The three-day weekend ended yesterday, so today is the start of a new week. I’m going with Yuki to two clinics this morning. In the afternoon, we have separate plans. Yuki is going to a jazz café, while I’m going to play the piano at Café Karaku.
It’s already October, but it’s still so hot during the day! At this time of year, I would normally wear an orange sweater in Halloween colors or a thicker long-sleeved shirt when I go out. But it’s too hot! The cafés might be cool because of the air conditioning, or even a little chilly, though...
Well, I came up with all sorts of excuses, and then I clicked the button. Yes, I bought a shirt online. I love how quickly it arrives!
However, if I’m going to buy new clothes, I have to get rid of some of the clothes I already own. After staring at my closet for a long time, I managed to let go of five shirts!
Why is it so hard to get rid of clothes? There are some clothes I hardly ever wear, but I still can’t let them go.
Is it just women who feel this way?
Yuki, on the other hand, gets rid of things in a flash and buys new ones just as quickly. I’m not sure that’s a good thing, either!
Neither of us has any particularly expensive clothes that need to be sent to the dry cleaners, though.
I’ve cut back my lemongrass and am letting it dry.
Am I going to make tea with it? No, no! I’ll just let it dry indoors for a while, enjoy its fragrance, and then probably throw it away.
In the past, it never survived the winter in my garden because it was too cold here. But in recent years, it has managed to survive the winter. I wonder if it will make it through this winter, too.
While I was cutting it back, one of my neighbors happened to walk by and asked, “What’s that?”
I said, “Doesn’t it smell nice?” She seemed satisfied with that answer. Then I explained, “You can dry it indoors for a while and enjoy the fragrance.” She liked the idea and took some home with her.
The photo shows what was left. It’s just the right amount for me!
Yesterday, a friend stopped by briefly to bring us some freshly harvested rice. I was happy to receive the new rice, of course, but I was even happier that she had come to see us.
After telling her how happy I was and saying, “You finally came to visit!” I ended up snapping at her, saying, “Why don’t you come more often?”
She is 73 and still working, so she is very busy. She lives with her three unmarried daughters. Her husband passed away from lung cancer five years ago. Has it really been five years already?
I’m 66, and I know it’s a bit unreasonable of me to rely on her so much.
I felt guilty about taking my frustration out on her. But even though she stayed for only about 15 minutes, I was truly happy that she had come.
Yesterday, we went to a café called Ruark Coffee and tried its coffee. The owner is one year older than Yuki. Yuki was reminded of his business trips to Indonesia, and the two of them had a lively conversation about those days.
What surprised me was that the coffee served here is produced by a Japanese person who has established a coffee farm in Vietnam. Apparently, he actually raises civets there specifically to produce kopi luwak beans.
Yesterday, I joined an online English conversation meeting. The first question was, “What would you say is the most useful appliance in your household?”
I answered:
“Probably the refrigerator. Or maybe the kerosene heaters we use in winter, although I’m not sure if they are considered household appliances. We still use a kerosene heater in each room during the winter instead of air conditioners.
We could probably manage without a refrigerator if we went shopping at nearby stores, including convenience stores. But when it comes to keeping warm in winter, we have no choice but to use the heaters.”
Later, though, I thought I should have said our small blender, which we use to make smoothies.
At first, I thought of the refrigerator or the kerosene heaters we use in winter. But those are more like necessities than just useful appliances.
Every summer, this little blender really helps us get through the hot weather. Our favorite smoothie is made with cabbage and pineapple. Even when we don’t have much of an appetite, we can easily get some fluids and vegetables from a smoothie.
So, I’d say our small blender is probably the most useful appliance in our household.
I’m not sure whether Yuki is in a bad mood today, feeling sleepy, or just not feeling well.
Lately, he says he feels that the numbness is getting worse. Personally, I wonder if it might be because the rest of him is feeling better, so the numbness stands out more and feels more severe to him.
But today, he doesn’t seem to think he can really play the guitar. To me, it looked like he was still playing pretty well. But at the jazz café, someone said to him, “Yuki, have you changed the way you play?” That seemed to come as quite a shock to him.
He can somehow still manage to play the bass, though.
Whenever Yuki looks even a little tired, I feel worried. He’s going to have a massage this afternoon, so I hope it will make him feel better and that he’ll be able to go to the gym this evening.
I think the comment about his guitar playing has really gotten to him.
Yesterday we went to the hospital. Unfortunately, his cancer has progressed.
The three of us, including the doctor, went over, once again, the things we had already discussed previously.
A visiting nurse comes to our home every other week. The doctor apparently receives reports about how things are going during these visits.
Depending on how things develop, a home-visiting doctor can be arranged. His oncologist will give the necessary instructions.
In the end, when the time comes, Yuki will be admitted to a palliative care unit rather than staying at home.
We went over all of this rather matter-of-factly.
Yuki himself is still doing really well, though. His doctor seems to expect that at some point, his condition may suddenly take a turn for the worse.
The doctor said, “For now, let’s schedule a CT scan at the end of October and a follow-up appointment in early November. But if anything happens before then, please come by ambulance.”
As for Yuki, I honestly don’t know what he is really thinking.
He still has numbness in his leg, but otherwise he is doing very well. I don’t know whether his attitude of “I won’t know until the time comes” means he is simply taking things lightly, trying not to think about it, or has somehow come to terms with it. Perhaps even he doesn’t know.
I know there is no point in worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. Still, I think he has a point when he says, “There’s no use thinking about things you can’t do anything about.”
He is going to the jazz café again today to play his instruments. It takes about 35 minutes by car.
And as for me…
I know there is no point in worrying about what I can’t change, but I keep wondering how I am supposed to get through each day from now on.
To be honest, I’m scared.
This afternoon, I’m meeting a friend who is doing some alterations to my clothes. I haven’t told her about Yuki’s illness, though.
Anyway, it means I won’t be alone for a while, and I think that’s probably a good thing.
Today, we got the results of Yuki’s genomic testing.
We had heard that there was only about a 10% chance that they would find something that could lead to another treatment. And, amazingly, Yuki turned out to be one of that 10%. They found one anticancer drug that could potentially be used.
However, the side effects are expected to be quite strong, and we decided not to take it because we don’t want to lower Yuki’s quality of life any further.
To tell the truth, we had expected that they wouldn’t find anything. And we had already talked about the possibility that, even if they found another drug, we probably wouldn’t choose any more aggressive treatment.
After discussing it with his doctors, we decided together not to have the treatment. I think we should give ourselves credit for making this decision together. But somehow, now that it’s all settled, I feel like all the tension has suddenly left me, and I’m completely drained.
by Yuki
Anyway, on a completely different note, Yuki has reached an amazing milestone with his YouTube music.
He has now posted 1,000 songs!
His appointment at the hospital was in the afternoon today, so before that, we went out for steak to celebrate reaching 1,000 songs.
Non-alcoholic beer and wine are becoming more popular, but there are very few non-alcoholic versions of sake or shochu. This time, we found this non-alcoholic shochu online. So far, only one sake company makes this kind of product.
Yuki has started having a non-alcohol day every other day.
I think that’s a good thing. I hope his blood test results stay stable for as long as possible.
But here’s the funny thing: this non-alcoholic shochu is actually more expensive than the regular shochu he usually drinks!
It’s been quite a while since I last updated my diary. Somehow, the two of us are getting by.
Yesterday, the “Everything for 100 Yen Giveaway Sale,” which we held in a corner of Café Karaku, came to an end. To my surprise, we sold almost everything!
Yuki’s fishing gear set and other small items were all sold, too. The books that were left over were taken straight to a secondhand bookstore.
I feel like we’ve let go of so many things, and yet somehow, the house looks exactly the same.
I read a book by someone who has been through lung cancer. The title isLiving Through Cancer: Neither Pessimistic nor Optimistic. I thought it was a very well-chosen title.
At the moment, the author’s lung cancer has disappeared, so I imagine that “neither pessimistic nor optimistic” refers to living with the fear of recurrence or metastasis.
For me, though, I want to stay “neither pessimistic nor optimistic” though it is from a slightly different reason. I want to face things calmly and realistically, without leaning too far in either direction. Although “calm” may not be quite the right word.
In Japanese, we have an expression, kimottama-kāsan, which describes a strong, down-to-earth mother who doesn’t get easily shaken by what happens. I suppose what I want is to be like that—steady, strong, and not easily rattled.
My older daughter is on her way here by car. She has a work meeting here this afternoon.
I think this is the first time she’s had a work meeting here locally. Well, it’s just a meeting, so I don’t know if it will actually lead to any real work.
After all, prices in Tokyo and prices here are quite different.
And since this is considered “her hometown,” I’m guessing her travel expenses won’t be covered.
Anyway, it looks like we’ll be able to have lunch together. But she’s caught in traffic right now, so even that is a little uncertain.
Apparently, it was pouring in Tokyo until a little while ago.
P.S. She says she’ll stop by and show her face, so… what do you think her soft-hearted parents (that’s us) are going to do?
After all these cloudy or rainy days we finally have a sunny day. But it looks like it’s going to rain again tomorrow.
As soon as we got up this morning, we aired out our futon, and the washing machine is already on its second load. I can finally wash the sheets! This will probably be the last time we use the summer sheets this year, so I’m planning to switch to the autumn ones today.
Apparently, this September has had the fewest hours of sunshine we’ve ever had compared with other years.
Anyway, I’m fine that I can start this week by getting some work done around the house first thing in the morning.
It has been raining day after day, so I’ve been drying our laundry indoors. I’ve been using our old dehumidifier on the “clothes drying” setting, but, hmm... it doesn’t seem to be doing a very good job.
The things that stay damp the longest are mostly cotton clothes. So I’ve also been ironing some of them while they’re still damp.
The cotton clothes I’m talking about are actually cotton T-shirts that Yuki wears both as underwear and as pajamas. This summer, we switched them to polyester because they were easy to wear and looked pretty good. But, oh dear... we had forgotten for a while that he has sensitive skin. He started getting a rash, so we quickly switched everything back to cotton.
We bought about ten of these cotton T-shirts, but they just won’t dry completely.
This morning, we went to a laundromat first thing and dried them there. But it’s funny—once we brought them home and the heat from the dryer wore off, they started absorbing moisture from the air again!
So, that’s how I’ve been spending my morning—running around doing this and that.
I don’t have any particular plans to go anywhere, but this weather makes me feel unsteady. Well, there’s not much point in complaining about the weather, I suppose.
In a way, this might be perfect weather for housecleaning. But I can’t clean the outside of the windows because I never know when it’s going to rain. That’s a shame, especially since I’m renting that window-cleaning robot.
So I thought, “Okay, then. I’ll clean just one shelf of the refrigerator.”
I took everything out and removed the shelf, but then I discovered... something had apparently been spilled way at the back inside the refrigerator, and there was some sticky, dried-on mess.
Wiping it with a cloth wasn’t enough at all. I scraped off as much as I could with a little spatula, and then used hot water, an old toothbrush, and even a toothpick to get the rest out.
Even I managed to get it done somehow...
Since I only cleaned one shelf, I have no idea what the other parts of the refrigerator are like. But well, that’s enough for today.
Oh dear, it’s already lunchtime!
Maybe cleaning the refrigerator somehow switched my autonomic nervous system back on? I feel a little better now.
But maybe I’ll take a nap this afternoon.
I wonder which comes first: will there come a time when I stop caring about things like this, or will there come a time when I can no longer do them?
Our elder daughter has been awarded a scholarship and will be able to spend three months in Germany. She seems to be planning to visit several paper studios and workshops there.
She has already had opportunities to go abroad through scholarships or invitations—to the U.S., Mexico, Thailand, and Senegal. And this time, she’ll be going to Europe. I think this will be a great opportunity for her career.
When I first started writing this English diary, our elder daughter had just entered an art university. When she graduated, she had decided to become an artist working with paper. At the time, we were quite worried and often wondered, “Will she be able to make a living as an artist?” Actually, some readers of this blog felt the same way.
Well, she is still working as an artist. I don’t know what the future holds, but somehow she has managed to keep going and make a living from her work.
She will be in Germany from July to September next year.
Our younger daughter, meanwhile, will be moving to France next March and staying there for about two and a half years because of her husband’s job. Our younger daughter lived in Thailand for three years, until three years ago.
I never imagined that both of our daughters would have so many opportunities to live and work abroad. We’re really proud of them, and we’re very happy for them.
But, to be honest, I have mixed feelings.
From next year on, neither of our daughters will be nearby. We don’t know what next year will bring, and I can’t help feeling anxious about it.
Of course, I want them to take advantage of these wonderful opportunities. I’m truly happy for them, but at the same time, knowing that they won’t be close by makes me feel a little uneasy.
I suppose I should be saying, “Yay! Everything is nice and clean!” and be happy about it. But this is me, Mieko, and I can’t help complaining a little: “Wow, that cost quite a lot,” and “I guess we can’t do these things ourselves anymore.”
The fluorescent lights have been replaced with LED lights, but they look exactly the same as before. The other rooms still have fluorescent lights, too. This time, we replaced two of them.
The washing machine is nice and clean after being taken apart and professionally cleaned. But the cleaning company recommended having it done once every two years to keep it in good condition.
It’s becoming more expensive than I expected to keep living comfortably in this house and keep it up to date, at least until we (I) eventually move into a care home.
I have considered moving to a smaller house, but given how convenient this current area is, that doesn’t seem very realistic in this regional city.
So, even though I’m happy that everything is nice and clean, I can’t help letting out a little sigh.
By the way, Yuki’s large Mac is acting up again. We’re going to take it to a repair shop. We spent more than 50,000 yen fixing it this winter, though…
It’s raining now. However, two men are coming to our house today.
One is a professional cleaner who specializes in taking washing machines apart and cleaning them thoroughly. The other is an electrician who is going to replace the fluorescent lights in our ceiling with LED lights.
Apparently, fluorescent light bulbs will no longer be manufactured in Japan after this fiscal year, so the switch to LED lighting is well underway.
We used to replace the ceiling lights ourselves, but we can’t manage it anymore, so we asked a local electrician to do it for us.
The cleaner also lives nearby. And, amazingly, the two men went to the same elementary and junior high schools and were classmates!
The rental fee is ¥1,400 a month, and there’s no cancellation fee if I keep it for at least three months.
So, let’s see if this can solve the problem of how to clean our windows this year!
My husband can’t handle anything that requires reaching high places, and I’ve been having problems with my neck and shoulders, so I thought this might be a good idea.
We’ve decided that we’ll just give up on the areas that this robot can’t clean.
We chose not to pursue any further treatment, so Yuki passed on the last round of chemotherapy covered by his insurance. Yesterday was his first follow-up visit to the hospital since then.
As expected, the cancer has progressed a little. But he is fine. He is enjoying his music activities.
The numbness won’t improve, but the doctor prescribed medication to help prevent it from getting worse.
For now, we’ll go to the hospital about once a month.
After discussing it with his doctor, we’ve also decided to start home-visit nursing care. I guess a nurse who visits us will check on his condition about once a month. Knowing that we can contact them 24 hours a day is very reassuring.
we had arranged for Yuki to be assessed for long-term care early on, and he was certified as needing Level 1 care, so that I feel like things are moving forward in a timely way.
At the same time, it’s a strange feeling, because all of this is based on the assumption that his condition will get worse. It’s hard to know how to feel about that.
I’m filled with anxiety about how his condition will change from now on and what lies ahead.
But perhaps that’s exactly why I’m so grateful for the support we can get from people outside our family.
◆In what ways can opposition be helpful to a person?
That’s a difficult question, so I can only give a general answer.
When you are discussing something and trying to decide what to do, it’s important to hear opposing opinions because they help you look at the issue from different angles.
If I think about it more specifically,
Opposition can make you think more carefully.
It can help you find weaknesses in your ideas.
It can help you improve your ideas.
It can help you understand other people's perspectives.
It can prevent you from making a bad decision.
◆Are you a very competitive person? What things do you like to compete in?
Do I seem like a competitive person to you?
I used to be competitive. Anyway, I hated losing. It’s not that I didn’t care about winning. I did want to win, but I hated losing even more. So I tended not to take on things when I already knew I was likely to lose. Even now, I don’t like games where there has to be a winner and a loser.
◆How do you usually react if people disagree with an idea or thought that you have?
When you say “usually,” let me answer as a woman in her 60s.
As we get older and gain more experience, the way we respond changes.
When someone disagrees with me, I first think about how important my opinion is in the discussion. If I need to stick to my opinion or I have to take action myself, I try to think more carefully about what they are saying. But if it’s not that important, I’ll just back down and move on.
◆Do you ever have to compete against others at school or at work?
Now I’m retired, and there are only two of us here—my husband and me. So I seldom have to compete against others. But I used to compete at school, at work, and even at home.
by Yuki
◆When was the last time you had an argument? What happened?
Though my mother has already passed away, the last serious argument I had was when she was sick. I had to discuss her care with my brothers. It wasn’t a very friendly discussion. At that time, my brother was the main person taking care of my mother, so I decided to step back and let him have his way.
◆Have you ever ended a friendship with a person because you had opposing ideas?
Unfortunately, yes. It’s happened several times, and I still remember every one of them clearly. What’s more, when I think about it, the pattern is always the same. I become closer to someone and start to believe that this person really understands me and understands the way I think I get too confident about that, and eventually, the friendship falls apart. You’d think I would have learned by now!
Last night, the owner of Café KARAKU called me to let me know that some items had been sold. All the clothes were sold, and Yuki’s fishing gear was sold, too.
Unfortunately, though, the books, which are the main reason we’re doing this, are still there.
Monday has started. In the morning, we’re going to the clinic as usual. Then, in the evening, we’re going to KARAKU Cafe with the things we want to let go of.
They’ve kindly offered us a corner of the cafe where we can display the things we no longer need, and customers can take whatever they need.
We have to arrange everything ourselves, so the key is whether we can set things up in a stylish and attractive way.
Yesterday, two young friends came to my house. I handed over all the props I had used for my picture-book activities.
They were originally props for my English picture-book activities, but of course, they can also be used for reading Japanese picture books. They can still be useful at this point.
The props themselves gradually wear out, and new picture books keep coming out, so eventually the props may no longer work for the books being used.
I finally decided that it was time to let them go while there are still people who want to use them. It took me a long time to make up my mind, but I’m glad I finally did.
What a pain! My right neck and shoulder have been hurting since yesterday morning, though my right shoulder has been hurting since this winter. So I put on a pain-relief patch and carried on with my day. But the pain got worse, so I went to an orthopedic clinic.
They gave me an IV painkiller and told me that wearing a neck brace might make things a little more comfortable. They gave me a simple neck brace to wear.
I don’t know why the pain got worse. I guess the shoulder pain has now spread to my neck. The pain is much better this morning, but it still hurts when I move my neck up and down. My left shoulder has started to hurt a little, too.
Oh, well. I guess I just have to learn to live with it and manage it as best I can.
You still have to wear a mask at hospitals in Japan.
I’d like to start the week on a refreshing note, but it’s so humid. It’s unusual for it to be this humid so early in the morning.
Today is my health checkup day. I’m not having breakfast, and I’ll leave home in about an hour. I’m also having a gynecological checkup this afternoon, so it’s going to be quite a busy day. It’s a health checkup organized by the city, so I guess that’s what you get.
I wonder where we should eat—an early lunch or a late breakfast?
This week, our care manager is coming, and our bodywork therapist is coming, too. Thanks to long-term care insurance, it’s nice to have people coming and going .
Yesterday afternoon, Yuki was at a jazz café for a jam session. Coincidentally, one of my gym friends came over to my house, so we spent the afternoon just chatting and taking it easy. She has made some of my kimonos into clothes and bags for me.
We spent a really relaxed afternoon, chatting aimlessly and saying to each other, “We’re really just lazing around, aren’t we?” It was nice to spend such a leisurely afternoon together.
Today, Yuki and I are going to a nearby temple where I have been attending a sutra-copying group. We don’t belong to a particular religion, but we follow Buddhist customs for traditional ceremonies, so we are going there to talk about what we should do in the future. We are not planning to build a family grave.
I happened to learn about the sutra-copying group when I was out walking, and although I am not a member of the temple, they kindly let me join. I have been going ever since. Perhaps this, too, is some kind of fate.
The Obon holidays are over, and our daily routine has returned to normal.
It’s Wednesday today. This morning, we are going to the bank and the clinic. In the afternoon, Yuki is going to get a massage. Do you know “ashitsubo massage”? It’s a kind of foot massage, but it’s a little different. It focuses on the acupressure points on the soles of the feet, which are pressed firmly with the thumb.
I hope it will help improve his numbness, even just a little, although it seems difficult. Of course, it isn’t covered by public health insurance, but it seems to be a nice change of pace for him, so I think it’s worth it. He usually gets a one-hour treatment. Today, though, he is getting an extra 30 minutes, and I’m going to take advantage of that and get the extra 30 minutes myself!
We are also going through our documents and paperwork again and reviewing everything. As part of that process, we are going to the bank today to organize our bank accounts.
Today is the anniversary of the end of World War II in Japan. In August, the media is filled with stories and programs related to the war. This morning, I heard an interesting program on the radio.
In Germany, it seems that January 27, rather than the anniversary of the end of the war, is considered a more important day of remembrance. It is the day the Auschwitz extermination camp was liberated by the Allied forces.January 30 is also an important day in Germany. It marks the day Hitler came to power.
The idea is, apparently, to make sure that Germany never forgets its role as the aggressor.
On Wednesday, we went to the hospital to apply for genomic testing. Surprisingly, the blood sample will be sent all the way to the United States. We should get the results by the end of next month. In Yuki’s case, we were told that the chances of finding an actionable genetic abnormality are “very low,” but we’re going to do whatever we can. We’re also grateful that this test is covered by our health insurance.
It’s right in the middle of the Obon holiday now, but unfortunately, it’s been raining. Well, even if it were hot, I would probably be saying, “It’s just too hot,” and staying quietly at home anyway. Actually, perhaps because I’m worn out from the heat, I’ve been spending a lot of time lying down and sleeping.
Oh, on Tuesday, I played at Karaku Cafe.
Meanwhile, Yuki continues to go to the Jazz Cafe regularly, even during the Obon holiday, and plays whenever he feels like it. I’m glad that he can still enjoy his music in his own way.
This Sunday, we’re going to make a few changes to our mobile phone plans. Little by little, we’ve started to think about the future and what life might be like for me on my own someday. We’ve also started reviewing our respective ending notes.
Unfortunately, they were not able to get enough tissue from the biopsy this time. Next Wednesday, we will meet with the oncologist to discuss having another test done using a blood sample.
Yesterday, Yuki officially “declared” that he would receive no further treatment. We have entered a new phase.
Our doctor also told us, “From now on, you will have to choose between being hospitalized and receiving medical care at home, so you should talk about it together.”
The possibility of Yuki leaving this world, and of caring for him until the end, has become more real to both of us.
To be honest, we are both feeling pretty down right now. But we know that it is important to keep our everyday life going. For now, the washing machine is doing its job, washing our sheets for us.
This week, our daughters will be visiting us on different days. We'll take each of them to a different restaurant that we love, so it will be a slightly luxurious week.
The main reason our older daughter is coming is that a gallery in Utsunomiya has invited her to its reception party. She was invited as an artist, so it's partly a business trip. This is the first time she has been invited by a gallery in her hometown. We hope this will lead to her having her own exhibition here someday.
We'll also take our younger daughter and our granddaughter to a French restaurant that we love and have been visiting for many years. As a rule, children under the age of 12 are not allowed there. However, as a special summer event, the owner kindly agreed to let us bring our granddaughter, so we're really looking forward to it.
Yuki had his biopsy and was discharged from the hospital as scheduled. I'm relieved that he didn't develop a collapsed lung. The risk is usually low, but since it has happened to him twice before, I couldn't help worrying a little.
Now I'm just hoping he won't develop pneumonia. That also happened after a previous biopsy, so it's still in the back of my mind. But today he's going to join a jam session at a jazz café. I think he'll probably enjoy spending time there more than staying at home.
It's been very humid since early this morning.
As for me...
There are several things I'd like to get organized, but somehow I haven't made much progress.
Every summer I update our family photo album, but this year's is still untouched.
It feels like the world has changed. There was another major earthquake in Kumamoto, even though it has been only ten years since the last devastating one. On top of that, they're also dealing with intense heat.
Sometimes it all makes me feel sad. The weather seems different, and the world itself feels different somehow. But then I remind myself that my mother's generation lived through the war in Japan. Every era has had its own hardships.
Yesterday, I joined an online support group for families of people with cancer. I had hoped it would be encouraging, but instead I found myself listening to people who were struggling even more than I am. By the end of the meeting, I felt even more discouraged. I guess I'm just not ready for that kind of support group right now.
Today, though, there's some good news. Yuki is actually going to the barber. The effects of the chemotherapy he had before his current treatment have finally worn off, and his hair has started growing back. It's now long enough to comb, so he's going to have the back of his hair trimmed.
As for me, I'm going to visit a friend's hair salon and get my hair done, too.
We've finished talking with the two doctors at the hospital and the care manager, and we've let our children know about the situation. This morning, we're taking a moment to remind ourselves that we have no doubts about the choices we've made.
Today, we'll go to our local clinic as usual. We might have lunch out, and we'll go to the gym in the evening.
Oh, and since it's the end of the month, I need to update our bank passbook. We still manage our household finances the old-fashioned way—by keeping our bank passbook up to date.
This is my update from yesterday's hospital visit.
Next week, Yuki will be admitted to the hospital for one night and two days to undergo another biopsy. It has been three years since his first biopsy. The chances are very small, but there is still a possibility that the characteristics of his cancer have changed. If that has happened, it may open up new treatment options.
If not, the doctor suggested one last chemotherapy drug. However, it is unclear how effective it would be in slowing the cancer, and I didn't get the impression that it was being recommended with much confidence. Since we don't want to lower his quality of life any further, we're taking some time to think carefully about what to do.
If he decides not to have the chemotherapy, the plan will be careful monitoring rather than active treatment. The good news is that the cancer is not progressing aggressively at the moment, so the doctor did not talk about life expectancy.
That's my update. I tried to write it as calmly as I could. Thank you for reading.
It’s been extremely hot day after day. It’s 6:30 a.m. now, and we’ve already finished breakfast. Yuki will leave for the hospital in about 30 minutes.
He has the first appointment of the day, so he’ll have blood tests and a chest X-ray before seeing the doctor. I’ll leave home just before 8:00 a.m.
The doctor is expected to explain the CT scan results and discuss what lies ahead. We know we have to accept whatever comes, but it’s still hard to face.
I also updated my YouTube channel earlier today. It’s about our garden. The garden is a bit overgrown with weeds, but a gardener is coming next week to take care of it.
It suddenly became very hot and humid. I've been suffering from the summer heat, so I often spend my afternoons sleeping. Yuki has been dozing off in front of his computer, too. I guess we're both in the same boat.
As usual, during the third week of his treatment cycle, Yuki's white blood cell count dropped, so he wasn't able to receive chemotherapy this week.
Next week is finally the CT scan. We'll discuss the results with his doctor and decide how to move forward with his treatment. The doctor has already told us that there are almost no treatment options left.
Since Yuki couldn't have chemotherapy yesterday, we finished at the hospital much earlier than usual and treated ourselves to a wonderful lunch. Thankfully, both of us have been getting our appetites back, so we're doing all right.
Even though the future is uncertain, we're grateful for the small, ordinary moments we can still enjoy together.
Yuki seems to be doing all right on the surface. He was able to have another round of chemotherapy this week. Based on the pattern so far, I don’t think he’ll have chemotherapy next week.
Today, he’s been asked to play the bass in a band, so he’s going to perform. I’m really glad he was able to go.
However, we also learned this time that the chemotherapy he’s currently receiving is becoming less effective. The shadows on his lungs have become more pronounced again. He’ll have a CT scan at the end of this month, and I suppose everything depends on the results. His doctor has even said that this may be the last chemotherapy option available to him, so all we can do is wait and see what happens.
People often describe chemotherapy as a form of life-prolonging treatment. Our hope is simply that he can continue it without suffering severe side effects, so that he can live with the tumor as part of his daily life.
This afternoon, I’ll be joining an online meeting aboutshūkatsu, which is a Japanese term that has become very common in recent years. It refers to preparing for the final stage of one’s life—not only making arrangements for end-of-life care and funerals, but also organizing finances, legal documents, personal belongings, and thinking about how you want to live the rest of your life. I’m not sure whether there’s a single word for this concept in English.
When my mother was nearing the end of her life, I went through many experiences. Because of that, I earned a private certification as aShūkatsu Advisor. It doesn’t mean I can do anything special, but it has connected me with people who share the same interest. That’s why I’m joining today’s meeting, to discuss what I might be able to do in the future. I’m not sure how much of my personal situation I’ll be able to discuss.
It’s already July, and we’re still in the middle of Japan’s rainy season. Thankfully, we haven’t had any heavy rain here yet, although it has been drizzling quite often.
As usual, my thoughts tend to be on the negative side; this weather is making me feel even more down than usual.
Still, a few good things happened last week. Yuki was able to receive his treatment. The side effects have already started again, but we’re genuinely grateful that he could have the treatment, that the medication is still working, and that it has given him more time. I just hope the side effects won’t become too severe this time.
Last week, Yuki’s younger brother came to visit us from Tokyo. They had promised each other, “Let’s meet again once the inheritance issues are settled,” and at last he was able to come. It was a quiet visit, though—there is no contact with his eldest brother.
Yesterday, a computer technician came to repair my PC. I think it’s working again... at least I hope so.
Now a new week has begun. I hope I’ll be able to keep up with my usual routine.
The photo shows rhubarb from our garden, preserved with sugar.
It is raining today, and it looks like it will continue through the weekend. I just hope it doesn't get too heavy.
We usually go to the hospital on Fridays, but not today because we're waiting for Yuki's white blood cell count to recover.
I'm usually rushing around on Friday mornings, but today I can take it easy.
Yuki, on the other hand, is already sitting in front of the TV, waiting for the Japanese national soccer team's match to begin. He's so happy that he can watch it live.
After the game, we'll go to our usual clinic. In the evening, I have a dentist's appointment. I just hope the rain isn't too heavy by then.
The other day I heard a saying that I really liked:
"Throw away one thing every day, try one new thing, and laugh at least once."
I think I can manage the first one!
Rainy weather tends to make me feel more negative. In Japan, we even have a term for it—weather sickness (kishōbyō). Changes in the weather often give me headaches and make me feel dizzy. That's exactly how I feel these days.
Our lavender has bloomed beautifully again this year. I picked it while the buds were still closed and made dried flowers from it. They make nice little gifts.
Unfortunately, my husband's treatment has been put on hold for two weeks in a row, this week and next week. But there is no use dwelling on it. I want to cherish these two weeks and make the most of the time when his side effects may become lighter.
My husband Yuki and I live in a regional city. Our retirement life has state since 2020. Though Something good, exciting, worried or bad often happens, we try to focus the current situation and spend enjoyable days while living offf our savings little by little carefully.
