trouble shooter 2022/07/15

This aritcle was posed last summer, it is an old article. However there was something that caught my attention. So I tried translating it.

I detest my father’s abusive talk.

I’m in my early 30s and a businesswoman. I nursed my mother at home for ten years until she passed away. Now I nurse my father at home. He is able to move, not stay in bed all day. But he needs some care such as oxygen inhalation. He can’t live alone at home.

In this situation I talked to him about renovating our house and some inheritance issues. We quarreled. He said “if you cannot obey me, leave our home”.

The month after my mother passed away, we found out he has cancer. I nurse him very much after my mother passed away. If he wants me to leave home, I wanted him to say such a thing ten years ago. I nursed my mother and nurse my father of my own will.  However, when I hear such violent language, I detest him. I regret my choices in life. I might have had more freedom outside. My daily life with my father is very tough.

My father excuses himself saying that he can’t express his gratitude openly. I don’t understand him. Not expressing gratitude by words and action is the same thing as not feeling gratitude sincerely. Sometimes I think about his early death. And I hate myself for such. I struggle with self-hatred and his violent language.

Adviser (an author)

You did your best. You nurse your parents by yourself. However now you feel only detesting him. You are not the real you now. 

I’m not familiar with the issue of renovating and inheritance. Unfortunately, the house is your father’s house. So, he has a right to decide about it. How about pulling it? It means how about leaving home? For a while you buy time. Your father seems to have the power to live by himself using official nursing service. Using public nursing insurance, helpers or nurses visit your house and help your father to live.

Both of you need to keep a distance and buy time. Both of you need to be calm and you need to get back the real you. 

I also nursed my parents by myself for 20 years. Thinking back about it, while I supported them, I was also supported by them. Please believe that if you lose something, you get something at the same time. And it will enrich you.