correction of my haiku -1-

I received the first correction of my haiku.

original

Hina-Festival
three old women wearing
modern KIMONO

after correction

Dolls festival;

three elderly women in light-weight kimonos

Hina festival is all right, but probably Dolls festival is better to understand.

elderly is more respectful than old

the word "modern" will intrigue your Western readers . I think you have to give an example;

kimono jacket, kimono dress. knee-length kimono, or light-weight kimono

Well, well, I know modern means present, or recent.

But what I want to express is not present style kimono, though actually these these days we have modern kimonos arranged to fit into our current life style, like knee-length kimono.

But I want to express modern pattern instead of classical and traditional pattern.

Dolls festival;

three elderly women in modern printed kimonos

Original

For just three seconds

show each real face with smile;

Graduation Day

It is corrected to show more specific situation.

after correction

Graduation day;

unmasked smiling faces in a three second photo

Well, I wanted to show that "they were allowed to chat only three minutes without masks, because it was the last day for them."

Graduation day;

unmasked smiling faces in a three second chatting

ordinal

Wheel chair

has got a friend of my mom;

Cherry blossoms again

after correction

Cherry blossoms;

a friend of mom is in a wheelchair

Probably my ordinal was vague what I wanted to say.

I wanted to say that my mom finally went out in a wheel chair, so she could make friends.

Cherry blossoms;

wheel chair brought a new friend

to my mom

Q

When I want to use Japanese traditional events as seasonal words, how do I express or deal with them. This time I use "Hina-festival" directly without explanation. I thought probably readers could imagine that it would be a seasonal Japanese event. Is it more effective to express "Doll festival in March" or "Girls festival in March" and so on?

A

Peach blossom festival is famous in America, though Hina festival is well-known to haikuists oversea, but Doll festival is much easier to understand.

"Hina doll festival "is also adequate, but do not add "in March", as that would distract rom the haiku.

What do you think of them?