Good morning 1130

 

It’s the last day of November. For these three months we faced to new things. We are accepting this new stage.

On the surface usual retirement life has come back.Yuki goes playing tennis, I will go to the gym. I am planning to do walking. Do I do it?

Good morning 1129

 

Good morning. Today Yuki is released . It I sealer than we expected.

Yesterday my friend and I visited a flower exhibition. Even still in November, the atmosphere downtown is inDecember (Christmas season).

According to my schedule I was going to the gym. Instead of today I will go there tomorrow. 

Our usual days coexisting with illness (and anxiety) has started. This is not the end of the rainbow, here we go!

Good morning 1128

 Good morning. It is a quiet morning. Yuki is in hospital. Yuki’s standard of the care is going well. It it’s the last step immunotherapy. According to the schedule, after he is released, he goes to the hospital once a month. And probably every three month he has a CT check. Our life is getting normal with having a cancer anxiety.

Last Sunday I participated in a meeting for cancer patients and their family as a member of family. This meeting is organized volunteers of doctors, counselors, medical staff , and experiences of cancer treatment and nursing. It is a kind of public meeting supported by city. 

Why Yuki doesn’t attend it? He is busy in tennis. On the other hand I really eager to talk someone about cancer without pity. So the meeting is really meaningful for me. Today I am going to have lunch outside to celebrate my friend’s birthday.

lunch diary 1125 shortversion

 

This week he is in the hosptital for the first immnotherapy.

Anway his standard of care is going well smoothly. We are really relieved.

Because if one of us is caught by flu or corona, the care is stopped.

Good morning 1124

 

Yesterday lots of people took their dolls to the ceremony hall. I was very surprised, though I was a persons of them. 

Today Yuki takes CT check. 

I feel lazy, so I stay home lazily today without attending haiku meeting. 

Good morning 1123

 

It is a holiday today. 

Today in the morning I take some old dolls to a ceremony hall which a shrine hold a burning ceremony for old toys.

The other day I got rid of my most kimonos. This time I get rid of some dolls, though some new toys are already donated. 

Our closets are little by little organized, the things in them are little by little decreasing. 

On the other hand looking around our rooms, we have still many things. 

Good morning 1122

 

It is the last day for Yuki to take radiation treatment. Luckily he was able to take it constantly, even though some light side effects. 

Our granddaughter has caught flu. She had a high fever, today it has gone. Many classes of her school are cancelled by flu. It is the same situation here.  Luckily we haven’t caught flu (and corona virus).

From next week immunotherapy will start. For three days he will be in hospital to check the side effects.Then once or twice a month he goes to the hospital to take the treatment. Going to the hospital is included into our daily life . We are getting used to and accept such a life. 

trouble shooter 1106

 

Trouble shooter

I’m suffering a great sense of loss due to my father’s sudden death

I’m in my 50s. I work part time. There are three members in my family.

Last year my father who was in his 80s passed away. He was healthy but suddenly he got worse during the second half of the year and passed away. My father and I got along well. He always supported me. So, I regret that I was not able to do anything when he passed away. I still cry. After his death I’ve had troubles with my siblings so we don’t keep in touch. Getting older, sad things happen one after another, so I feel sad. I feel that I’m getting older and finally I will be alone at last. No one such as my family, friends, and colleagues understand my feelings.

I manage to live my daily life. But my mind is not clear, I’m suffering a great sense of loss that I don’t feel like doing anything. How do I live the rest of my life?

Adviser (a psychologist)

I really understand your feeling. You are suffering a great sense of loss from your father’s death and you regret that you were not able to do anything for him.

However, what could you have done for your father specifically? When your father got worse suddenly, what you could do was to watch over your father with concern. Because you are not a medical professional. For your father your watching him must have been very reassuring.

When we are depressed, we tend to look at bad side only. We feel that no one understand us, and close ourselves from outside. Don’t be rushed, take your time. We have a power to get over when we are in a tough situation. Please little by little try to find something fun. Please try to put even just a little fun into your daily life. And please try to share a little time with someone. While such little fun is accumulated, your mind will clear little by little.

Yuki’s radiation treatments are last two times!

lunch diary 1118 short version

 

If everything goes as planned, on  Wendesday Yuki's daily visit to the hospital will be finished. His treatment goes to the next step "immunotherapy". 

On the other hand some sideeffects by chemo and radiation treatmet will apear.

Anyway we do what we can do on the day!!!!

Last week I really enjoyed my performance at KARAKU. I played the piano at Karaku for the first time in two months.

Good morning 1117

 

It is raining today. Yuki has no plan in the morning. I asked him to give a ride to the gym. While I work out at the gym, he will buy something at a supermarket next to the gym.

In the afternoon, Yuki is going to the dealer for annual inspection of his car. Almost one year has passed since he bought current car. 

Too many things happened this year, though this Year hasn’t finished yet.

Good morning 1116

 

Yesterday I was in bed. I couldn’t adjust to this sudden temperature change . It affected the automatic nervous system and caused dizziness. 

Today I am all right. It is sunny and temperature seems to be up.

Yuki’s chemo treatment is finished. Unfortunately he couldn’t take the last (the six time) treatment because of low score of white blood cells. However he takes radiation treatment constantly. It remains 5 times. 

He is fine. The amount he eats has decreased. It means he eats his meal, he can’t the rest of my meal. So it is difficult for us to go to some restaurants. Usually I share my meal to him.  It is difficult to find restrains which has good barranco of amount, quality, cost and our taste.

trouble shooter 1104

 Troubleshooter

I regret being impulsive and always dwell on things I’ve done.

I’m an official worker in my 60s. I’m worried about my character which is that I am impulsive and usually regret doing things afterwards. I know I should not dwell on regret, and move on. But I can’t stop myself worrying about things I’ve done.

It might be usual that people regret doing some things. However, in my case it occurs more often. It’s a burden for me and difficult to get over with.

When I talk with my friends, I always think “Why did I say such things. I shouldn’t have”.  When I buy something at a shop, I always think “Why did I buy this item, I shouldn’t have”.

In my daily life I always regret doing some things, thinking “I shouldn’t have done it”. I always feel down. I can’t become positive. How do I feel and look at things positively without regret?

Adviser (a philosopher) 

All of us are not perfect. We live comparing ourselves to others. So, it is natural to feel regret in our life. We can’t make the best choice all the time. So, we always look back and say “I shouldn’t have done it”.

How about this idea “we have no choice”. The way we go was only one. This way of thinking was introduced by SOUSHI who was a philosopher in China. His philosophy is “BANBUTS SEIDOU” (the Equality of Things). All things are one and the same. We are not God, so we can’t see everything. We see one side but everyone has different view from each other. Choice is the same. When we chose one way, we should think it was the only way to choose. Our life is only one way. We think we sometimes stand at a fateful crossroads. However, there is only one way to choose. Not to deny ourselves, not to regret mistakes we have made in our lives, and to accept ourselves positively, is the way of “BANBUTS SEIDOU”. It might be meaningful for us.

You should go ahead thinking when you chose the way it was only the way for you. We can’t go back even though we regrated doing what we chose.

trouble shooter 1107

 trouble shooter

I have lots of stress from what my mother in her 80s says.

I’m a business man in my 60s. I have lots of stress about my mother who is in her late 80s, and living at her house by herself. My mother is fine. A few years ago, she stopped driving, so my brother and I support her by taking her shopping or going to lunch outside on weekends.

She doesn’t get along well with my wife since we got married. In recent years my mother has become a hard talker more and more. My wife is scared. 

My father passed away five years ago. Since then, my mother sometimes says “your wife broke my tableware deliberately.” I took her to a clinic to see whether she had dementia or not. She was normal at that time. Then she asked me “Why did you marry such a woman?”. I got really angry, and I didn’t talk to her for a month.

Recently she said “I passed the test to keep my driver’s license, so I want to buy a new car”. She also hates the nursing staff at her residential area. She says “I can live alone”. I have lots of stress. What should I do?

  

Adviser (a psychiatrist)

I think that since your father passed away, your mother has changed.

From your letter, your mother’s cognitive skill is slowly degenerating. Because what your mother says recently is apparently different from before. At the clinic she was normal. Probably it is difficult to take her to another clinic or hospital, and to persuade her to use public nursing welfare. You need to keep your distance as much as possible. However, you are really worried about her who lives alone. It might be one way for you to recommend that she live in an elderly nursing home. If she doesn’t accept it, or listen to you, you go to the residential public office, and talk more specifically about her situation.

---------------------------

P.S I hope not to become such an elderly woman in the future.

Good morning 1113

 

Since yesterday suddenly winter has come. Before Yuki an I see fall corps somewhere, leaves might fall down. 

These days it seems to be difficult for Yuki to swallow leaf vegetables. So I chop them. When I do it, I remember my late mother. It is the first time to use the word “late”.

My today’s mission going to the post office and sending some parcels.

A new week has started! 

lunch diary short version 1111

 

When he takes chemo, he drops by a food coat at a shopping mall, and eat 1 a piece of KFC, and a MC humberger. They are for his "treat". This week it will be the last chemo, but it depends on his blood score whether he will be able to take the last chemo.

Good morning 1110

 

It is Friday.  I am going to the gym in the morning today. If I go there I will have gone there three days I a row. On the other hand I haven’t resumed walking yet. 

Chemo and radiation has accumulated in Yuki’s body. Yesterday, tough he went playing tennis in the morning, he felt really tired. So I drove him to and from the hospital to take radiation treatment.

Yesterday I got first Yuzu citron from a friend. I made Yuzu- miso. It takes at least two weeks to be tasty.

 

Good morning 1109

 

It was the first time to go to the gym in three weeks. 

Usually I do 30 minute exercise, but this time I did only 15 minute exercise. It was enough. 

I was not so tired after finishing exercise there. When I got home, I felt very tired. 

Additionally I talked lots of gym mates, so it is the reason why I felt tired. 

According to the radiation doctor Yuki’s radiation treatment is going well. For us November seems to become a long month like October. 

Good morning 1108

 

Today “I go to the gym”. This is what I should do in the morning. 

In the afternoon I attend Yuki to see a Socorro of radiation. On Wednesdays we see the doctor to talk.

It is getting more difficult for him to swallow little by little. But he is all right. He keeps his current weight.

Additionally , his formal wear got tight for him. (We knew it when my mother passed away). We bought new one. (It was more expensive than I planed)

Good morning 1107

 

We were alreay at the hospital at 8:00.

Now Yuki is taking chemo therapy. It is the fifth time. Next week it will be the last chemo therapy. Thankfully he doesn't have not severe side effects.

Today we talked with the doctor. After the standerd care finihsed, the treatment to him is continue. Our schedul is based by hospital schedule. 

I feel restless, though I'm not so busy.

Today a friend of mine visit me, so I will bake something sweet.

lunch diary 1104 short version

 Yesterday I went to get acupuncture  & moxibustion therapy. My lowerback is getting better. So the acupuncturist  recommended to restart walking and workout.

November has alreday started. Yuki's treatmnet is in the second half.

trouble shooter 2022/07/15

This aritcle was posed last summer, it is an old article. However there was something that caught my attention. So I tried translating it.

I detest my father’s abusive talk.

I’m in my early 30s and a businesswoman. I nursed my mother at home for ten years until she passed away. Now I nurse my father at home. He is able to move, not stay in bed all day. But he needs some care such as oxygen inhalation. He can’t live alone at home.

In this situation I talked to him about renovating our house and some inheritance issues. We quarreled. He said “if you cannot obey me, leave our home”.

The month after my mother passed away, we found out he has cancer. I nurse him very much after my mother passed away. If he wants me to leave home, I wanted him to say such a thing ten years ago. I nursed my mother and nurse my father of my own will.  However, when I hear such violent language, I detest him. I regret my choices in life. I might have had more freedom outside. My daily life with my father is very tough.

My father excuses himself saying that he can’t express his gratitude openly. I don’t understand him. Not expressing gratitude by words and action is the same thing as not feeling gratitude sincerely. Sometimes I think about his early death. And I hate myself for such. I struggle with self-hatred and his violent language.

Adviser (an author)

You did your best. You nurse your parents by yourself. However now you feel only detesting him. You are not the real you now. 

I’m not familiar with the issue of renovating and inheritance. Unfortunately, the house is your father’s house. So, he has a right to decide about it. How about pulling it? It means how about leaving home? For a while you buy time. Your father seems to have the power to live by himself using official nursing service. Using public nursing insurance, helpers or nurses visit your house and help your father to live.

Both of you need to keep a distance and buy time. Both of you need to be calm and you need to get back the real you. 

I also nursed my parents by myself for 20 years. Thinking back about it, while I supported them, I was also supported by them. Please believe that if you lose something, you get something at the same time. And it will enrich you.

Good morning 1102

 

My lower back is getting better. I don’t the gym yet.  Without going out I was taking apart my kimonos. And I finished doing it. 

I have still some kimonos, which I will put on to go to some special places. 

I am going to ask my friend to change untied kimono into casual dress. 

Most of missions about my kimono discarding is finished. The last one is that I am going to remake a haori-kimono into a jacket by hand-sewing without taking apart it. 

trouble shooter 1008

 2023/10/08 

"I am asked advise from people around me, It sometimes makes me difficult to keep being myself."

I’m in my teens.  I work on tiny things easily, and I used to like giving my friends advice.

When someone tells me about her or his troubles, the talking gets more serious. It means the seeker opens the mind easily and sometimes talks about their complicated situation, like family matters.

When I’m interested in the seeker or the story, I want to seek its core story. So, I go deeply into the heart of the story. If listening to the story is useful for the seeker, it is a good thing. On the other hand, I seem to be narrow-minded, not to have enough capacity for accepting the whole of the seeker. It is difficult to keep to myself these days. I’d like to ask for professional advice on how to listen to other people’s troubles without being involved myself.

Adviser (philosopher)

You must consider that you can understand their troubles sincerely so you are often asked for advice. Actually, such a person like you, tries to enter their heart deeply to seek the reason why they are worried.

The difficult thing is, sometimes the adviser is involved with the seeker, feels the same trouble, and loses himself.

To avoid this situation, you must be Socrates.

He is a philosopher in ancient Greek. While he listened to people’s stories or troubles, he never got an answer for them. He just helped seekers to find their answer by themselves. When we give suitable advice, we need to put ourselves in their shoes. So, we tend to be involved by ourselves, and have the same trouble.

However, when we realize that we help them to find their answer by themselves, we face just the seeker, not the seeker’s troubles. Specifically, you try to ask questions as much as you can. Instead of saying “you should ---“ you ask “what do you want to do ? How do you behave?”

It sounds paradoxical. However, to save people around you, and to save yourself not to be involved, it is necessary for you to escape from the trouble itself.