It is the last day of this year. Fortunately as of now Yuki doesn't seem any side effects.We have a calm day. On New Year's Day every member comes. Probably my granddaughter will stay here for two days after that.
Today I will make some meals and bake cake for tomorrow.
Yuki is all right. We hope we will spend New Year’s vacation without going to the hospital, though if something happens he is able to see doctor at the hospital.
On New year’s day festival we have lunch here with all members. This time I don’t make feast for New year.
Today I might go to the gym??
Yesterday Yuki had his second immunotherapy. Before it we talked with his doctors. We knew that From his x-Ray Yuki is suffering light pneumonia. Now he has no symptoms, so any medicine wasn’t prescribed. “Follow-up”. It is not clear which caused pneumonia, radiation or immunotherapy. Anyway I is a kind of side effects.
When something happens he goes to the hospital even during New Year’s vacation. We were really relieved to hear that.
In New Year’s vacation our grand daughter is going to come. But she has severe running nose. We might ask her not to come.
I will leave in a half and an hour.
Yesterday we visited my mother in-law. She is all right, though not so active. She seemed to enjoy Christmas party at the nursing home. She remembered the party saying “I song three Christmas songs”. Her meals are changed from usual meals to chopped meals. It might be difficult for her to eat something outside.
I have already changed Christmas decoration into New year decoration, though I didn’t put lucky charms since I am in mourning.
I have to hang out the laundry!
We had luxurious cake! We were really satisfied.
This week, we are a little bit busy. We visit yuki's mother. and Yuki take the second immunotherapy.
This photo is taken last Sunday. I went out to a apple orchard with a young friend. On way home we drop by in this fancy cake shop. For today i didn’t eat big cake.
We(which role?) forgot to set the timer of the heater in the kitchen dining. Though one hour passed, it is still 7 Celsius degree.
In the afternoon we might go to a used clothes shop to look for Yuki’s workout clothes. We already went some reasonable workout clothes shop, but he couldn’t find his favorite one.
Bland workout clothes is expensive. So we sometimes to go a used clothes shop.
I added fried egg on these plates later.
I have a stomachache. While taking medicine, I will wait and see. Probably because of this severe temperature difference and stress causes this ache.
We discarded some old winter underwear, so we “have to” go shopping. It is a happy excuse shopping.
Winter cleaning is been doing. Most of the windows in our house were cleaned. Who cleans the kitchen fan? It’s your role.
Yuki didn’t notice it.
Anyway today we go to a home center and buy something to get rid of “it”. We hope that coincidently just one mouse ran into our house.
If our pet cat “Choro” were alive, she could have been caught it willingly.
In December it is the month to reconsider our household accounts book. The main purpose to keep our household accounts book of this year is to save money as much as we can, I think. Yuki says “it is one way to complain on me without any hesitance”. Partly it is correct. But this year we had more unexpected spending than we scheduled. So my complain on him is less than usual.
Sometimes I hear uncomfortable news about our mother’s matter (mainly my brother, and Yuki’s brother), we try not to look back, avoid connecting with them, for doing our life in good meaning.
These days I really understand there are some different kinds of people among them who we connect with us than we understood.
Anyway let’s go out in the morning!
I am spending lazily in the morning. I haven’t finished morning routines. In a half hour, probably my body will start working.
Last Sunday I attended a meeting in a red good sweater because of Christmas season. At the meeting I noticed lint balls on my sweater, and they annoyed me. When I left home, I didn’t notice them. When I came back, I tried to get rid of them as much as I could. I gave up. The sweater was downgraded as my homeware.
Is it all right to put it on with (a little?) lint balls?
On Sunday a Christmas party is going to hold. I will attend it. It is a meeting for cancer patients and their family. Yuki doesn’t attend it, because he is busy in tennis. I have participated in the meeting twice, there I talked with the family who helps patients about our family anxiety and women’s complain. This meeting is organized supported by hospitals so some Rockford and medical stuff are there. Additionally such meeting is organized nationwide, so through online some meetings are connected at the same time.
To tell the truth yesterday I was most of my time lying down. My brothers’s trouble? is not sold yet. When a little specific thing happens, I am really depressed. It happens yesterday. I took pill for anxiety then I was lying down. It is difficult to let go my anger. On the other hand these day I noticed that I am angry.
Anyway, today I seem to be all right. I am going to meet a friend with taking branch. More saying concisely, we are going to meet at a cafe when it serves morning service. We can have coffee and some light food at very reasonable price.
The rain seemed stopping. Does his tennis coat open today? Yesterday coincidentally a friend came here, and we are planning to resume laughter yoga again. One of missions is finished to organize my inherited kimono. Some are kept to put on by me. Some are changed into casual dress or bags , some are sold, donated, or discarded. And the last one was changed into a casual coat “by me”. The last work is very very tough work for me. I won’t do it again. Anyway my mother and my grand mother must be happy and surprised to see it.
It is a cold morning, I made daikon-raddish soup.
Today it is a usual day. Yuki goes tennis, I will go to the gym.
Yesterday I visited a friend who became 80 the day before yesterday. Since we knew each other, more than thirty years passed. We did lots of volunteer activities together. We or I didn’t feel our age difference. But yesterday I understood her real age, it recalled me of my mother. When my mother was 80, she was really active, we could travel together at that time. But five years passed she suddenly aged badly.(Then Corona pandemic made her worse. )
Anyway my friend and I had a good time.
In the morning we go to the city hall to submit medical insurance documents.
In the afternoon I visit my friend. Yuki goes to skin clinic (it is a regular routine, not because of his side effects)
After visiting the city hall we are going to drop by a sport shop . And if we found our favorite, we might buy new sportswear for my gym and for his tennis as our Christmas presents.
Today I attend Haiku meeting. It is the first time in two months.
Then in the afternoon I will do walking exercise.
We do our routine.
Here in Japan, it is winter cleaning season. I have to start clean one window a day in the first floor. Cleaning the windows in the second floor is Yuki’s role —— but???
On the surface usual retirement life has come back.Yuki goes playing tennis, I will go to the gym. I am planning to do walking. Do I do it?
Yesterday my friend and I visited a flower exhibition. Even still in November, the atmosphere downtown is inDecember (Christmas season).
According to my schedule I was going to the gym. Instead of today I will go there tomorrow.
Our usual days coexisting with illness (and anxiety) has started. This is not the end of the rainbow, here we go!
Good morning. It is a quiet morning. Yuki is in hospital. Yuki’s standard of the care is going well. It it’s the last step immunotherapy. According to the schedule, after he is released, he goes to the hospital once a month. And probably every three month he has a CT check. Our life is getting normal with having a cancer anxiety.
Last Sunday I participated in a meeting for cancer patients and their family as a member of family. This meeting is organized volunteers of doctors, counselors, medical staff , and experiences of cancer treatment and nursing. It is a kind of public meeting supported by city.
Why Yuki doesn’t attend it? He is busy in tennis. On the other hand I really eager to talk someone about cancer without pity. So the meeting is really meaningful for me. Today I am going to have lunch outside to celebrate my friend’s birthday.
This week he is in the hosptital for the first immnotherapy.
Anway his standard of care is going well smoothly. We are really relieved.
Because if one of us is caught by flu or corona, the care is stopped.
Today Yuki takes CT check.
I feel lazy, so I stay home lazily today without attending haiku meeting.
Today in the morning I take some old dolls to a ceremony hall which a shrine hold a burning ceremony for old toys.
The other day I got rid of my most kimonos. This time I get rid of some dolls, though some new toys are already donated.
Our closets are little by little organized, the things in them are little by little decreasing.
On the other hand looking around our rooms, we have still many things.
Our granddaughter has caught flu. She had a high fever, today it has gone. Many classes of her school are cancelled by flu. It is the same situation here. Luckily we haven’t caught flu (and corona virus).
From next week immunotherapy will start. For three days he will be in hospital to check the side effects.Then once or twice a month he goes to the hospital to take the treatment. Going to the hospital is included into our daily life . We are getting used to and accept such a life.
Trouble shooter
I’m suffering a great sense of loss due to my father’s sudden death
I’m in my 50s. I work part time. There are three members in my
family.
Last
year my father who was in his 80s passed away. He was healthy but suddenly he
got worse during the second half of the year and passed away. My father and I
got along well. He always supported me. So, I regret that I was not able to do
anything when he passed away. I still cry. After his death I’ve had troubles
with my siblings so we don’t keep in touch. Getting older, sad things happen one
after another, so I feel sad. I feel that I’m getting older and finally I will
be alone at last. No one such as my family, friends, and colleagues understand
my feelings.
I manage
to live my daily life. But my mind is not clear, I’m suffering a great sense of
loss that I don’t feel like doing anything. How do I live the rest of my life?
Adviser (a psychologist)
I really understand your feeling. You are
suffering a great sense of loss from your father’s death and you regret that
you were not able to do anything for him.
However, what could you have done for your
father specifically? When your father got worse suddenly, what you could do was
to watch over your father with concern. Because you are not a medical professional.
For your father your watching him must have been very reassuring.
When we are depressed, we tend to look at
bad side only. We feel that no one understand us, and close ourselves from
outside. Don’t be rushed, take your time. We have a power to get over when we
are in a tough situation. Please little by little try to find something fun.
Please try to put even just a little fun into your daily life. And please try
to share a little time with someone. While such little fun is accumulated, your
mind will clear little by little.
If everything goes as planned, on Wendesday Yuki's daily visit to the hospital will be finished. His treatment goes to the next step "immunotherapy".
On the other hand some sideeffects by chemo and radiation treatmet will apear.
Anyway we do what we can do on the day!!!!
Last week I really enjoyed my performance at KARAKU. I played the piano at Karaku for the first time in two months.
In the afternoon, Yuki is going to the dealer for annual inspection of his car. Almost one year has passed since he bought current car.
Too many things happened this year, though this Year hasn’t finished yet.
Today I am all right. It is sunny and temperature seems to be up.
Yuki’s chemo treatment is finished. Unfortunately he couldn’t take the last (the six time) treatment because of low score of white blood cells. However he takes radiation treatment constantly. It remains 5 times.
He is fine. The amount he eats has decreased. It means he eats his meal, he can’t the rest of my meal. So it is difficult for us to go to some restaurants. Usually I share my meal to him. It is difficult to find restrains which has good barranco of amount, quality, cost and our taste.
Troubleshooter
I regret being impulsive and always dwell on things I’ve done.
I’m an official worker in my 60s. I’m worried about my character which is that I am impulsive and usually regret doing things afterwards. I know I should not dwell on regret, and move on. But I can’t stop myself worrying about things I’ve done.
It might be usual that people regret doing some things. However, in my case it occurs more often. It’s a burden for me and difficult to get over with.
When I talk with my friends, I always think “Why did I say such things. I shouldn’t have”. When I buy something at a shop, I always think “Why did I buy this item, I shouldn’t have”.
In my daily life I always regret doing some things, thinking “I shouldn’t have done it”. I always feel down. I can’t become positive. How do I feel and look at things positively without regret?
Adviser (a philosopher)
All of us are not perfect. We live comparing ourselves to others. So, it is natural to feel regret in our life. We can’t make the best choice all the time. So, we always look back and say “I shouldn’t have done it”.
How about this idea “we have no choice”. The way we go was only one. This way of thinking was introduced by SOUSHI who was a philosopher in China. His philosophy is “BANBUTS SEIDOU” (the Equality of Things). All things are one and the same. We are not God, so we can’t see everything. We see one side but everyone has different view from each other. Choice is the same. When we chose one way, we should think it was the only way to choose. Our life is only one way. We think we sometimes stand at a fateful crossroads. However, there is only one way to choose. Not to deny ourselves, not to regret mistakes we have made in our lives, and to accept ourselves positively, is the way of “BANBUTS SEIDOU”. It might be meaningful for us.
You should go ahead thinking when you chose the way it was only the way for you. We can’t go back even though we regrated doing what we chose.
trouble shooter
I have lots of stress from what my mother in her 80s says.
I’m a business man in my 60s. I have lots of stress about my mother who is in her late 80s, and living at her house by herself. My mother is fine. A few years ago, she stopped driving, so my brother and I support her by taking her shopping or going to lunch outside on weekends.
She doesn’t get along well with my wife since we got married. In recent years my mother has become a hard talker more and more. My wife is scared.
My father passed away five years ago. Since then, my mother sometimes says “your wife broke my tableware deliberately.” I took her to a clinic to see whether she had dementia or not. She was normal at that time. Then she asked me “Why did you marry such a woman?”. I got really angry, and I didn’t talk to her for a month.
Recently she said “I passed the test to keep my driver’s license, so I want to buy a new car”. She also hates the nursing staff at her residential area. She says “I can live alone”. I have lots of stress. What should I do?
Adviser (a psychiatrist)
I think that since your father passed away, your mother has changed.
From your letter, your mother’s cognitive skill is slowly degenerating. Because what your mother says recently is apparently different from before. At the clinic she was normal. Probably it is difficult to take her to another clinic or hospital, and to persuade her to use public nursing welfare. You need to keep your distance as much as possible. However, you are really worried about her who lives alone. It might be one way for you to recommend that she live in an elderly nursing home. If she doesn’t accept it, or listen to you, you go to the residential public office, and talk more specifically about her situation.
---------------------------
P.S I hope not to become such an elderly woman in the future.
These days it seems to be difficult for Yuki to swallow leaf vegetables. So I chop them. When I do it, I remember my late mother. It is the first time to use the word “late”.
My today’s mission going to the post office and sending some parcels.
A new week has started!
When he takes chemo, he drops by a food coat at a shopping mall, and eat 1 a piece of KFC, and a MC humberger. They are for his "treat". This week it will be the last chemo, but it depends on his blood score whether he will be able to take the last chemo.
Chemo and radiation has accumulated in Yuki’s body. Yesterday, tough he went playing tennis in the morning, he felt really tired. So I drove him to and from the hospital to take radiation treatment.
Yesterday I got first Yuzu citron from a friend. I made Yuzu- miso. It takes at least two weeks to be tasty.
In the afternoon I attend Yuki to see a Socorro of radiation. On Wednesdays we see the doctor to talk.
It is getting more difficult for him to swallow little by little. But he is all right. He keeps his current weight.
Additionally , his formal wear got tight for him. (We knew it when my mother passed away). We bought new one. (It was more expensive than I planed)
Now Yuki is taking chemo therapy. It is the fifth time. Next week it will be the last chemo therapy. Thankfully he doesn't have not severe side effects.
Today we talked with the doctor. After the standerd care finihsed, the treatment to him is continue. Our schedul is based by hospital schedule.
I feel restless, though I'm not so busy.
Today a friend of mine visit me, so I will bake something sweet.
November has alreday started. Yuki's treatmnet is in the second half.
This aritcle was posed last summer, it is an old article. However there was something that caught my attention. So I tried translating it.
I detest my father’s abusive talk.
I’m in my early 30s and a businesswoman. I nursed my mother at home for ten years until she passed away. Now I nurse my father at home. He is able to move, not stay in bed all day. But he needs some care such as oxygen inhalation. He can’t live alone at home.
In this situation I talked to him about renovating our house and some inheritance issues. We quarreled. He said “if you cannot obey me, leave our home”.
The month after my mother passed away, we found out he has cancer. I nurse him very much after my mother passed away. If he wants me to leave home, I wanted him to say such a thing ten years ago. I nursed my mother and nurse my father of my own will. However, when I hear such violent language, I detest him. I regret my choices in life. I might have had more freedom outside. My daily life with my father is very tough.
My father excuses himself saying that he can’t express his gratitude openly. I don’t understand him. Not expressing gratitude by words and action is the same thing as not feeling gratitude sincerely. Sometimes I think about his early death. And I hate myself for such. I struggle with self-hatred and his violent language.
Adviser (an author)
You did your best. You nurse your parents by yourself. However now you feel only detesting him. You are not the real you now.
I’m not familiar with the issue of renovating and inheritance. Unfortunately, the house is your father’s house. So, he has a right to decide about it. How about pulling it? It means how about leaving home? For a while you buy time. Your father seems to have the power to live by himself using official nursing service. Using public nursing insurance, helpers or nurses visit your house and help your father to live.
Both of you need to keep a distance and buy time. Both of you need to be calm and you need to get back the real you.
I also nursed my parents by myself for 20 years. Thinking back about it, while I supported them, I was also supported by them. Please believe that if you lose something, you get something at the same time. And it will enrich you.
I have still some kimonos, which I will put on to go to some special places.
I am going to ask my friend to change untied kimono into casual dress.
Most of missions about my kimono discarding is finished. The last one is that I am going to remake a haori-kimono into a jacket by hand-sewing without taking apart it.
2023/10/08
"I am asked advise from people around me, It sometimes makes me difficult to keep being myself."
I’m in my teens. I work on tiny things easily, and I used to like giving my friends advice.
When someone tells me about her or his troubles, the talking gets more serious. It means the seeker opens the mind easily and sometimes talks about their complicated situation, like family matters.
When I’m interested in the seeker or the story, I want to seek its core story. So, I go deeply into the heart of the story. If listening to the story is useful for the seeker, it is a good thing. On the other hand, I seem to be narrow-minded, not to have enough capacity for accepting the whole of the seeker. It is difficult to keep to myself these days. I’d like to ask for professional advice on how to listen to other people’s troubles without being involved myself.
Adviser (philosopher)
You must consider that you can understand their troubles sincerely so you are often asked for advice. Actually, such a person like you, tries to enter their heart deeply to seek the reason why they are worried.
The difficult thing is, sometimes the adviser is involved with the seeker, feels the same trouble, and loses himself.
To avoid this situation, you must be Socrates.
He is a philosopher in ancient Greek. While he listened to people’s stories or troubles, he never got an answer for them. He just helped seekers to find their answer by themselves. When we give suitable advice, we need to put ourselves in their shoes. So, we tend to be involved by ourselves, and have the same trouble.
However, when we realize that we help them to find their answer by themselves, we face just the seeker, not the seeker’s troubles. Specifically, you try to ask questions as much as you can. Instead of saying “you should ---“ you ask “what do you want to do ? How do you behave?”
It sounds paradoxical. However, to save people around you, and to save yourself not to be involved, it is necessary for you to escape from the trouble itself.
Yukon had an appointment to his doctor very early morning. So we went to visit the doctor as soon as the hospital opens. Anyway we are really lucky because the hospital is near.
Yuki seems to feel strange in the food pipe. It is one of the side effects of radiation treatment. As of now he is able to eat and swallow. His weight doesn’t change.
He is taking chemo therapy now. At night he is going to attend his band practice.
My mother’s funeral was done peacefully. Her neighbors (all of them are the elder) visited her. They know me when I was young. Three of them helped funerals of my great aunt, my father with us. ( at that time I was told by them what “I” should do at the funeral. Four of us shared the memory with laughing and tear. The eldest women a of four is 92. She is still the boss of me right women’s club and fine, she is a widow .
Now I am at home. Yuki is fine. He is better than me. I have a back pain. So after he comes back from tennis , I am going to be take to get acupuncture by his car. When I am taking acupuncture therapy, he is taking radiation treatment in hospital.
Unfortunately, my brothers’ trouble is not solved. But probably my mother must give up about it. I also have given up to fix the relationship.
Anyway the best thing is three of us ( younger brother, youngest brother, and me) say our final goodbyes together.
Well, Yuki has still enough hair. He looks usual, so even from his tennis mates, and band mates, he is teased.
Yesterday early morning my mother passed away peacefully. Her funeral is hold next week.
Getting older means life gets shorter.
